there's a million guys around but i don't see no one but you

“baby you're the best i ever had”

a letter to my ex

Tuesday, April 16, 2013 || 7:12 pm

You mentioned that you still read my blog and/or twitter on a regular basis to keep your feelings for me bottled inside. Now, I don't know how much of this is true - and frankly, I hope you wouldn't keep these demons in your head at all. I don't even know if you'll be reading this entry anytime soon, or even ever but I know that eventually, by chance, you might just wind up here to see these words I actually want you to read.

I just read over the past two posts I wrote which were undoubtedly written about you. I don't want to be placing you at fault for what has become of our situation (whatever it is now), but wasn't it all too clear where I was heading? I basically forced myself to believe that you had 'ceased existence' from my life because that was basically what you wanted me to do.

You're not stupid, I know you're not. You knew where I was heading - you pushed me out of your door, and I was leaving your front yard step by step. You made it too clear to me that all you wanted was some freedom and space. There's too many unresolved issues between us and not enough time for either of us to make things better.

I'm not a mind reader, and I'm not the best at understanding people. You know that things need to be laid out for me piece by piece for me to understand the greater picture. Which is why your grand plan backfired. I value clarity in communication because I find it difficult to decipher cryptic conversations. I know things can't always be black and white.

There's so much more that I need to say, but none of it even matters anymore.

And with that being said, I'll end this post here with my standard response to the question "oh, why did you guys break up, you were such a good couple" .. and that was:

He was the perfect person, at the wrong time.

... and I still believe it.

memories

Monday, January 14, 2013 || 9:00 pm

I had a 'me day' to day and it was magnificent because I got so many things done except for two:

clean room
uni timetable

The former, will probably take another month or so... but I will do my uni timetable after I've showered and washed my hair because I need it for tomorrow to work out which days i can come in over Autumn Semester.

It wasn't a complete 'me day' today because I did end up having coffee with a friend today at 'melt' in burwood today. Silly me thought I ordered a soy capp with two sugars, but the guy gave me a blank look and asked me if i was sure i wanted the sugar because it was already really sweet. I hadn't understood why anyone would put chocolate in a cappuccino but I realised afterwards when my friend called me crazy. Hahaha anyways the point is, I think i've found my so called 'resolve' now as well... and that is to treat x as if he 'ceased existence' for those who like euphemism. I'll retain all the funny and happy memories because I know there are so many things that we've done together and I can't avoid it when things happen and bring back good memories.

As we were walking out of the coffee shop, paranoid as I am I asked my friend if I had chocolate on my face, after all, I did have a chocolatey soy mocha! That was when I had a flashback of being on a bus with x on the way to Eastwood and we had eaten some sort of molten chocolate. I remember those flecks of chocolate placed so cutely on his cheeks and around the corner of his mouth and me laughing at how stupidly cute he looked. Hahaha and then he told me I had chocolate on my face too, but being the self-assured 'neat and tidy' one I didn't believe him even after we made a bet on it.

These little things will always induce a chuckle or two... and this is why I will face all these memories until I run out of things to remind me of us. I've taken this perspective because I know the way x treats his ex's, and that is to walk past them or allow them to walk past without a hello or a see you or even a smile. And I know I've already been turned into another number on his list of ex's so this is my way of dealing with it.

Woo! Being able to actually blog about this in a positive light is already an achievement for me!

"I always thought it was sad, the way we act like strangers, after all that we had"

Right in the feels.

i'll just leave this here

Wednesday, December 26, 2012 || 4:17 pm

untitled

Thursday, December 20, 2012 || 6:31 pm

I was stupid, and naive. I should have went with my gut feeling from the beginning. I did not deserve to be with someone who wouldn't stick up for me, didn't really give two fucks about whether i forked out my weeks' worth of pay to go on an actual date, truly and wholeheartedly believed that I was an irrational bitch most of the time we had arguments, and most ultimately... someone who was extremely dependent as a person.

I am still in disbelief that his excuse for avoiding me is that he has too many mixed feelings and experiences in the past two years even though he had told me he had no feelings for me whatsoever and that he stopped loving me long before he 'had the courage and the resolve' to tell me.

That's probably not the worst part... the worst is the fact that he probably actually believes himself when he tells his friends and family that I would cry and beg my way back into a relationship with him. But if he had so much more time to heal his heart before he dropped mine, why should any of this shit matter? Cowardice.

I've contemplated deleting him off facebook so many times, even though I've hidden all of his posts from my news feed. I honestly don't think I can do it... I don't want to stay friends at all because it all hurts too much. Of course it's not a very nice feeling to see yourself be so quickly replaced with other people/things, but everything will pass. I just wished it would pass quicker... so I don't have to think about him everyday when I've probably been banished from his mind a long time ago.

I still have so many questions left unanswered... but I have learnt a lot from this relationship and hopefully when somebody comes along to appreciate me for who I am I will be able to apply it all.

(12/01/2013)

so lazy

Sunday, March 11, 2012 || 2:45 pm

I blog only because I know the amount of work I have to do is mountainous. If I were to be ranked for my procrastination skills, I'd be rank 1 in Grandmaster league. However, I'm hoping that after I finish writing this entry, I'll consider with all my mind and mentality to do some of that work. But how is it possible to do such boring tasks (write up balance sheets, punch in random figures into calculators etc.) on a Sunday. The sun is out, Starcraft 2 icon on my desktop screaming how lonely he feels, the afternoon just started 2 hours ago... the possibilities for play time are just endless.

Instead, I turn to the folder on my desktop with all my photos from my trip to Hong Kong and select the ones that look mildly interesting. FFS, I'm not even bothered to edit these photos because i'm THAT lazy. This is assuming that people actually read my blog, and look at the photos closely. I myself, am only compelled to read peoples' blogs if the content of their entries interest me, or if they're pretty and post nice pictures of themselves. HAHAHA I learnt creep mode way back when blogs weren't a way of making money, and when YouTube didn't have the option to view videos in 480p at the most. Anyways, here goes nothing.

A photo I took in Happy Valley while waiting for my friend to meet me. Although the tram ride there was a bit lonely, I could still imagine what it would've been like if I had company. The breeze brushing through my hair while I listen to emo love songs just completely killed me though. It was a bitch to get to Happy Valley, changing MTR trains about 3 times just to get to the place where I could ride one of these babies. People in Hong Kong don't really give a shit if they bump into you, they're most likely used to it. But for me, being someone who grew up in a place where personal space was almost a given for yourself and others around you, I was extremely aggravated by how rude people can be. Hong Kong people are also really good with their insults, its like they thrive on picking fights and winning them. For me, I'd rather just apologise and hobble on with life.

Hmm, just a shot from the top deck of the tram. The nightlife and the night lights that go with it in Hong Kong are pretty breathtaking. It would definitely be a dream to be able to work in Hong Kong for a few months, hopefully my future employer will provide me with a presidential suite facing the Victoria Harbour. I wouldn't want to live there for too long though, pollution is so horrible there, as well as the people. The girls in Hong Kong are so hard to get along with, be the reason they don't get their way, and you're instantly shunned and placed on the chopping board. Hahaha o_o

The is the view from our hotel room when we went further inland in China. The hotel is a 5 star resort and apparently it was only built last year July or August or September, can't remember so it's facilities were fairly new. The resort services are highly based on their hot springs, and each pool is categorised by the temperature of the water (Cool, Medium, Hot). My favourite ones were the infused ones where they'd steep a cushion-sized bag of flowers or whatever in the hot spring water and you just leave the pool smelling yummy. I liked the red wine one the most. I wanted to try the ginger and lemon one but it was closed for cleaning. Something about the fact that it was closed for cleaning irks me, but I bet it would have been pretty refreshing! They also had chinese medicine springs, rose, lavender, jasmine and some other random ones.

Crab at Ocean Park. I probably would have had a lot more fun if I were with friends, but it was fun nonetheless. Ocean Park is like... a huge ass aquarium. Except they had pandas too! We saw an african girl speak cantonese, and my cousin pretty much freaked out HAHAHA.