“baby you're the best i ever had”
today, i'm afraid of tomorrow
Wednesday, March 25, 2009 || 11:44 pm
To be honest, i have absolutely no idea what i can do anymore. Seems I've only one option, and that is simply to wait. To wait for something miraculous to happen. I've got time, i know i do, but the process is really disheartening. Just when i thought i'd be a happier person, things start falling apart all over again. So soon. It doesn't have to be like this, i know.
I was going to talk to you about it tonight, but honestly i've lost it all. I've got little people arguing about our situation in my mind and its triving me nuts. I'm not even angry or upset, i just want to clear things up, just to save me and save you any further misunderstandings. People ask me, time and time again, why i'm willing to wait for 'someone like you'. I find it difficult to answer them, and i'll admit that there really isn't a succinct answer for a question like that, but all i can conclude with is that I
trust you. It may not be 100% trust, but it really is getting there.
Sometimes it feels like i'm throwing myself out there, just to be stomped on, played around, screwed over. But then i think back to why i threw myself out there in the first place. I'm serious about this, but you don't seem to be. But i'm going to give you space, I don't want to be intrusive or demanding at all. I just want this sticky situation out of place. I don't understand how this works. And i believe in karma, and i do believe this is what i get for letting go of my opportunity last year. So I'm in no place to bargain, or to plead for anything to change. But all i beg of you is to clarify what we are, i'm stuck in the middle here. Blah. Rambling.
I try to be understanding, think rational thoughts so i can do whatever is right. Its not easy, its killing me slowly, but at least i'm trying. Being understanding means overlooking everything that hurts me most, appearing to be happy when i'm actually worried.
I want to be understanding, and i'm willing to keep it up until i simply can't take it anymore. And that is when, i hope you'll be able to understand... and that i'm simply not the right person anymore... and that i'm a selfish person in my own right.